musings

unwillingly, i do all my serious thinking at night. which really sucks because in the day i am tired and have headaches and become the blur dreamy carol which most of u know.

yet i'm here at my computer while everyone is fast asleep at 3am, because i want to write this down. i've never been completely honest in my blog, because what i post is not limited to my family or close friends. the internet is a very public place and i don't want certain people, or people whom i don't know reading about my deepest thoughts and feelings.

having a blog is really different from having a diary because one tends to self-censor for fear that one's writings reach an unintended audience. as such, scrolling through the archives of my blog, you'll see mainly superficial, day to day posts. but i want to be more honest and go deeper.

anyway the profound insight that i've had about my own life is how i am so driven by fear of other peoples' judgments. as i was reflecting on the whole blogging issue, i realised that it's true of myself in real life too. in conversations with others, i am the listener. most of the time, i'm genuinely interested in what's going on in a person's life and i ask questions, i listen, i am concerned. and yet, i never ever seem to be able to open up to others about my struggles and fears. i am afraid of being judged. i hate to disappoint other people. alternatively, certain things are just too painful for me to bring up. alot of people think my life is perfect, or close to being so. i have a loving, well-to-d0 family, and a bright future as a lawyer ahead of me.

yet there are some painful experiences, like the crushing lows of my volleyball days or turbulent secondary 3-4 years fraught with cliques, petty fights, ostrasism, bad-mouthing, backstabbing, confrontations and heartbreak- which i have never mentioned to anyone. 5 years later, i still find it hard to tell even my boyfriend about this. how do i even begin?? i find it so hard to open up; so i bottle up my thoughts and emotions. why? i do so badly want to present to the world an image of being strong, smart and successful. yet i know this is all a front, that i suffer from lack of self-esteem, that i find it hard to fit in with my peers, that i am so fearful of what other people think of me.

there have been some breakthroughs though. i take comfort in the fact that God knows everything and that He loves me- something which i learnt in a powerful way during brighton's church camp in 2006. that's another story.

a more recent someone (other than my family) for whom i feel tremendously blessed is my boyfriend. between us, it has always been him loving me more than i love him. perhaps a 40-60 or even 30-70 balance? (i feel guilty about this sometimes.) knowing and constantly being assured, through his actions and words that he loves me so deeply, enables me to share with him openly without any fear of being judged. also, the fact that he knows nothing about my pre-notts self requires me to talk at length about my past. he's a great listener. :) talking to him has brought back alot of long-forgotten memories. like how, as a child, i loved to open the refrigerator and pop a precious lump of rock sugar into my mouth. :D i don't mind him calling me "sugar monster" and telling my friends that i'm a "sugar monster" though. haha

but i know he's not enough. so to all my close friends and family, i apologise for being emotionally distant and only talking about superficial things. i don't do it intentionally and i am still learning to speak up about things which affect me. i hope that this post has enabled you to connect more emotionally to me.