Reborn bookworm

I've always been a bookworm. I was weaned on Enid Blyton, Roald Dahl, Carolyn Keene's (spelt correctly?)Nancy Drew, Sherlock Holmes and illustrated classics such as Little Women and The Count of Monte Cristo. I remember going to Popular bookstore as a 6 year old to buy my beloved Enid Blyton books that had wonderful stories which let my imagination soar. Teenage years' reading moved on to Sweet Valley (I'm ashamed), The Babysitter's Club, fantasy books for a short while and many recommended literature texts outside my syllabus such as The Silver Sword and To Kill a Mockingbird. I also had the privilege of reading many Christian books, such as "The Diary of a Teenage Girl" series, lovingly given to me by Cheh for birthdays and other special occasions.

As a child / pre-teen, I would read all day, even in the toilet, in the garden and at night in my room under the blanket with a torchlight. My mum always scolded me for reading so obsessively. My favourite haunt was the 2nd floor of Marine Parade Library, which had glass panelling and large black leather chairs and couches. I met like-minded book lovers in Secondary 1 and 2- dearest Hazel, whom I still remember said without hesitation, that her hobbies were "reading, reading, reading". But when I went into Secondary 3 & 4, I stopped reading fiction entirely. Firstly, there was simply not enough time. Schoolwork was alot heavier than lower secondary days and there was the introduction of incomprehensible Physics which tortured me to no end. I failed every test except the MCQ one. :( Secondly, the group of so-called friends I hung out with weren't inclined to reading or study at all; their attentions more focused on other more frivolous stuff. As such, I too got distracted by all sorts of stupid things. Thirdly, I had my first relationship which was a complete mess, leaving me a wreck. It is probably no surprise that I didnt do as well as expected for my O'Levels although I'd always been a top student. By God's grace however, I still managed to get into VJC. :) Fourthly, I was told that reading fiction was useless. Better to read current affairs or non-fiction, at least you'll learn something useful! Which at the time, I thought was true to a large extent. With that, my reading fiction was extinguished completely. On hindsight, so was my love for art and craft.

I finally rekindled my love of reading recently, thanks to Oxfam Books & Music, which has a shop in the small neighbourhood I live in. Over the past few months, I've bought about 10 books and given back 2. The best thing is that they stock all the bestsellers, albeit 2nd hand, at great prices ranging from 1.50 - 3.50 GBP. I'm sooo happy it's my favourite shop in Beeston after Sainsbury's.

So far, I've read, in descending order:

1. The Pianist
(Unforgettable, moving autobiography about the Holocaust set in Warsaw's Jewish ghetto . It portrays human nature at its most raw. I like the inclusion of diary extracts belonging to the Pianist's German saviour- a rare insight to his motivations and beliefs, which helps to explain his extraordinary acts of bravery and kindness. Watch the movie too!)

2. Wind-up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami
(One of my fave authors! A powerful, haunting book about love, alienation, meaning, war and the supernatural. Widely regarded to be Murakami's masterpiece. I couldn't put it down. I finished it in a night and the next morning. Reading this and The Pianist has partly contributed to my melancholy mood.)

3. A Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian
(A Ukrainian tart marries a 80+ year old Ukrainian man living in Peterborough, whose daughters are up in arms against the marriage. Most enjoyable. Very witty and funny!!)

4. The Time Traveler's Wife
(Wasn't worth the hype; I didn't really like it. Too much dialogue. The ending was touching though)

5. Norwegian Wood, by Haruki Murakami
(Well-crafted, evocative writing. Very sad though. A constant theme in his works is the alienation and loneliness of living in an urban society)

Other unread/or half-read books on my shelf include:

6. Life of Pi

7. Fasting, Feasting

8. The No.1 Ladies Detective Agency

9. On Chesil Beach

10. God's Lavish Grace

11. Glory Days

exams over

Vincent had his last paper today, Commercial Law, which was better than expected. :) He was so worried about it.
Praise the Lord!

At the bus stop outside the University Park campus, waiting to catch the bus to town

At the fountain in Old Market Square. We took a picture here after our exams last year too! We were both in hats. Cowboy hat and jungle girl hat. :)

It was a glorious summer day when Mr Sun finally decided to make an appearance after days of rain and gloomy weather.
Many kids running around half naked playing with water! My siblings and I used to do that too, with water from the garden hose :D
We also had a small inflatable pool when my younger sis and I were toddlers. I love my childhood :)

Everybody was out enjoying the sun! People smile alot more when Mr Sun is out.

Oh we saw Burton (Dorothy Perkin's "brother" shop) doing a Mr Men series of T-shirts. Told Vincent to get "Mr Noisy" or "Mr Bump", because he chatters away all the time and gets into alot of accidents. Hehe

musings

unwillingly, i do all my serious thinking at night. which really sucks because in the day i am tired and have headaches and become the blur dreamy carol which most of u know.

yet i'm here at my computer while everyone is fast asleep at 3am, because i want to write this down. i've never been completely honest in my blog, because what i post is not limited to my family or close friends. the internet is a very public place and i don't want certain people, or people whom i don't know reading about my deepest thoughts and feelings.

having a blog is really different from having a diary because one tends to self-censor for fear that one's writings reach an unintended audience. as such, scrolling through the archives of my blog, you'll see mainly superficial, day to day posts. but i want to be more honest and go deeper.

anyway the profound insight that i've had about my own life is how i am so driven by fear of other peoples' judgments. as i was reflecting on the whole blogging issue, i realised that it's true of myself in real life too. in conversations with others, i am the listener. most of the time, i'm genuinely interested in what's going on in a person's life and i ask questions, i listen, i am concerned. and yet, i never ever seem to be able to open up to others about my struggles and fears. i am afraid of being judged. i hate to disappoint other people. alternatively, certain things are just too painful for me to bring up. alot of people think my life is perfect, or close to being so. i have a loving, well-to-d0 family, and a bright future as a lawyer ahead of me.

yet there are some painful experiences, like the crushing lows of my volleyball days or turbulent secondary 3-4 years fraught with cliques, petty fights, ostrasism, bad-mouthing, backstabbing, confrontations and heartbreak- which i have never mentioned to anyone. 5 years later, i still find it hard to tell even my boyfriend about this. how do i even begin?? i find it so hard to open up; so i bottle up my thoughts and emotions. why? i do so badly want to present to the world an image of being strong, smart and successful. yet i know this is all a front, that i suffer from lack of self-esteem, that i find it hard to fit in with my peers, that i am so fearful of what other people think of me.

there have been some breakthroughs though. i take comfort in the fact that God knows everything and that He loves me- something which i learnt in a powerful way during brighton's church camp in 2006. that's another story.

a more recent someone (other than my family) for whom i feel tremendously blessed is my boyfriend. between us, it has always been him loving me more than i love him. perhaps a 40-60 or even 30-70 balance? (i feel guilty about this sometimes.) knowing and constantly being assured, through his actions and words that he loves me so deeply, enables me to share with him openly without any fear of being judged. also, the fact that he knows nothing about my pre-notts self requires me to talk at length about my past. he's a great listener. :) talking to him has brought back alot of long-forgotten memories. like how, as a child, i loved to open the refrigerator and pop a precious lump of rock sugar into my mouth. :D i don't mind him calling me "sugar monster" and telling my friends that i'm a "sugar monster" though. haha

but i know he's not enough. so to all my close friends and family, i apologise for being emotionally distant and only talking about superficial things. i don't do it intentionally and i am still learning to speak up about things which affect me. i hope that this post has enabled you to connect more emotionally to me.

Motivation

Nothing in this world that's worth having comes easy.
- A note stuck on my noticeboard from Vincent


Just one more day to go..

Exam update

European Union law was HORRIBLE.
I've never sat for a paper which went so badly before.. :( I didn't sleep the entire night before because I just couldn't- too anxious and worried. Writing the 18 page legal research essay already left me exhausted. The paper itself was bad. Unexpected, took a different turn from all the previous years' exams.
It has completely killed off any interest in EU-related 3rd year modules. Like the European Convention of Human Rights. I'll stick to stuff I understand, however boring.

The trauma of EU has at least taught me a lesson- I've always managed to get away with last minute work. But it didn't work this time. Tough lesson, but one valued. What a waste, this year's academic performance started off so well for me. Next year, to make up for my dismal performance this semester, I will aim for all 1st class grades.

Criminal law went better than expected though, I was well-prepared. The only thing is that I didn't finish the last question!!!! SAD :( It's always a question of which to sacrifice- detail, or breadth. 45 minutes each for 4 essays is way too demanding. Oh, and last night, while revising, there was a sharp, acute pain in my right forearm that lasted throughout the night. Vincent quickly whipped out frozen sausages from the freezer, wrapped them in a towel and put them on my arm. Haha. He always knows what to do. Thankfully the pain was gone this morning..

Sorry these posts are so boring.. But I'm sure they'll be of interest to aspiring law students like my sister! Heheee :)

Next up: Land law. There is reasonable foresight (objective test), or shall I say virtual certainty (Woollin test) of it being a challenging exam. Grimace..

I can't believe that we'll never have to touch Criminal Law or EU law again... The brevity of it all! I actually did enjoy Criminal law alot, plus I have a really nice Greek tutor.

Can't wait for the exams to be over!!!

Summer catalogue

Summer #1 I support GAP clothes and accessories

Summer #2 Say hello to a Korean concubine with huge floral headgear.

Summer #3 Rachel, aged 5. A natural!

Summer #4 Tired look after Garden Party.

Perfect summer days

I sneakily took this shot through the trees because there were neighbours watching. This crazy angmoh was sprawled out on a public patch of grass for all the world to see, basking in the sun. Not an uncommon sight here I must say..

We attended Cat's garden party celebration. I love the comfy swings! :-)

Meet Ivy, a Taiwanese Master's student and Cat, the birthday girl. I like them both very much- Soft-spoken and gentle.
I found a new travel companion in Ivy :) I first met her during Pancake Day, again at Cat's house. we're going to somewhere in the UK after the exams. Maybe the Lake District?
Cat is the most thoughtful person I know here; she's always trying to involve me in things by inviting me over or asking me out. Really blessed to know her!

I'm here with Yolanda, from Hong Kong. She's really fun and outgoing! She loves chocolate and travelling too! We were roommates during New Word Alive in Wales. Together we braved the freezing nights wrapped up in our down jackets.. haha. Too bad she's an exchange student who's going back soon. Oh yes, she reminds me alot of Maumau... hehe

Right, EU Law exam on Tuesday, Criminal Law on Thursday... Please pray for me ok! It'll be over in 2 weeks time!!!!!!!

Down

I was feeling extremely discouraged about my Legal Research Essay just now, because I cannot seem to focus and compile all my research into an essay. The essay is about the rules of intoxication in Criminal Law and the deadline is on Tuesday, 6 may. I keep getting distracted whenever I'm stuck- end up doing other things which make me even more tired. It's a mental block of fear and "I can't"; which has been building up since the Easter holidays when I was trying to get the essay done.

But I'm feeling alot better now- After Vincent gave me a head and neck massage, made me hot cholocate and is now going to make me a nutella sandwich. Most importantly, I asked him to pray for me and then I prayed myself too. :) I asked God to take away the mental obstacles that I faced and that I am giving Him my fear and worries. Also that the results are in His hands, I will just do what needs to be done. Reminded myself of this truth which Cheh used to write in her encouragement cards to me over the years "For God has not given me a spririt of fear, but a spirit of power, of love and self-control". I pinned it up on my noticeboard and put it up on my blog; partly because I was reading about how publicly performed behaviour influences and validates self-conception in my Psychology text. And of course, as a reminder of God's truth!

Also on my noticeboard is a poem from Daddy dated 31 October 1999- The last stanza reads

"Look down when up
And up when down
The one and only
He is up, There".