musings

unwillingly, i do all my serious thinking at night. which really sucks because in the day i am tired and have headaches and become the blur dreamy carol which most of u know.

yet i'm here at my computer while everyone is fast asleep at 3am, because i want to write this down. i've never been completely honest in my blog, because what i post is not limited to my family or close friends. the internet is a very public place and i don't want certain people, or people whom i don't know reading about my deepest thoughts and feelings.

having a blog is really different from having a diary because one tends to self-censor for fear that one's writings reach an unintended audience. as such, scrolling through the archives of my blog, you'll see mainly superficial, day to day posts. but i want to be more honest and go deeper.

anyway the profound insight that i've had about my own life is how i am so driven by fear of other peoples' judgments. as i was reflecting on the whole blogging issue, i realised that it's true of myself in real life too. in conversations with others, i am the listener. most of the time, i'm genuinely interested in what's going on in a person's life and i ask questions, i listen, i am concerned. and yet, i never ever seem to be able to open up to others about my struggles and fears. i am afraid of being judged. i hate to disappoint other people. alternatively, certain things are just too painful for me to bring up. alot of people think my life is perfect, or close to being so. i have a loving, well-to-d0 family, and a bright future as a lawyer ahead of me.

yet there are some painful experiences, like the crushing lows of my volleyball days or turbulent secondary 3-4 years fraught with cliques, petty fights, ostrasism, bad-mouthing, backstabbing, confrontations and heartbreak- which i have never mentioned to anyone. 5 years later, i still find it hard to tell even my boyfriend about this. how do i even begin?? i find it so hard to open up; so i bottle up my thoughts and emotions. why? i do so badly want to present to the world an image of being strong, smart and successful. yet i know this is all a front, that i suffer from lack of self-esteem, that i find it hard to fit in with my peers, that i am so fearful of what other people think of me.

there have been some breakthroughs though. i take comfort in the fact that God knows everything and that He loves me- something which i learnt in a powerful way during brighton's church camp in 2006. that's another story.

a more recent someone (other than my family) for whom i feel tremendously blessed is my boyfriend. between us, it has always been him loving me more than i love him. perhaps a 40-60 or even 30-70 balance? (i feel guilty about this sometimes.) knowing and constantly being assured, through his actions and words that he loves me so deeply, enables me to share with him openly without any fear of being judged. also, the fact that he knows nothing about my pre-notts self requires me to talk at length about my past. he's a great listener. :) talking to him has brought back alot of long-forgotten memories. like how, as a child, i loved to open the refrigerator and pop a precious lump of rock sugar into my mouth. :D i don't mind him calling me "sugar monster" and telling my friends that i'm a "sugar monster" though. haha

but i know he's not enough. so to all my close friends and family, i apologise for being emotionally distant and only talking about superficial things. i don't do it intentionally and i am still learning to speak up about things which affect me. i hope that this post has enabled you to connect more emotionally to me.

haircut

I cut my hair today, after 3 months! My 1st thought: Aaaaah I look like a Japanese tai tai!!! :( :( :( Shoulder-length curls with fringe! Aaaaah!!! Good thing the curls are only temporary. Felt so sad as my long tresses were snipped off and left in a heap. See I do have my girly moments.

Have been having cramps for the past 3 days non-stop. Pain is so bad. :(

On a lighther note; I'm really glad I turned up for cell group/area meeting last night, even though the cramps and perceived lateness were making me very grumpy and pessimistic. It felt wonderful to worship joyfully together with the young adults, something that I missed in the UK. Also to hear real life testimonies of their growth, which really encouraged me. I see it in Eugene's stepping up to be a leader, Huixian's boldness in leading prayer and worship, Loyalle's dedicated service and concern for other members, Shella's increased passion for God.... and many more from my peers.

Here are young people, in their prime of their lives, actively seeking God and supporting fellow believers even when worldly distractions abound. I learnt alot from James' message about "Getting the right culture". I want to do my part too and improve in areas I'm weak in. Eg. Be more expressive, approach people who I perceive to have nothing in common with myself, take the initiative to change! God has really given me opportunities to develop inter-personal skills in the UK, especially in hall and in the Christian Union, as I was sharing with Loyalle and Weichuan in the cab home. Now, I not only want to apply what I've learnt back home in Singapore but improve too.

Out of my shell- finally! It's very encouraging when ppl tell me there's something different about you. Adrienne (who does facials for me) told me it's the way you carry yourself; alot more confident and outgoing. :) It's easy to slip back into the old me but please remind me to make a deliberate attempt to change!

The tauhuay and youtiao afterthat was yummylicious!!! Satisfied another craving. :D Next is tang yuan!

Also learnt about the 4 Love Languages.
1) Gifts
2) Quality time
3) Acts of service
4) Words of affirmation.

My love languages are 2) and 4) I like to affirm and encourage my loved ones, as well as spend quality time with them.
What are yours?

leaving on a jetplane

I leave Singapore for the UK this Sunday. How quickly 1 month has flown by. :(
This time I leave not with mixed feelings of fear and excitement but with the sense of unfinished business. Things left unspoken and undone (on my part)- how I wish I had more time or more initiative. Went to visit my grandma in hospital last night; she looked very faraway. We all felt very sad. Just pray that her pain will be alleviated and more importantly, that God's will be done. But I trust that my family, friends and relationships are in God's safe hands. And I will be back in 2 months time!!! Hahaha! This time no more exams to study for. :D

One among the many I will miss- who also woke me up in the middle of the night.
Attention-grabbing Whisky!!! Super cute!!

Mission week: my testimony

Mission Week has started and today's lunchbar topic is one that has always intrigued me- "How can a loving God allow suffering?"

And as a Christian, I myself find it hard to answer that question. Perhaps it might be more useful to read up more on the topic on this website- www.bethinking.org, which I've started doing just this morning. :) OR attend the lunchbar/evening talk itself! lol

P.S If anyone wants to go for lunchbar (free lunch and a short talk), feel free to text me and I'll go with you! Will be helping to prepare lunch b4 that.

Tmr's topic is thought-provoking as well. "Happiness: the most important thing in life?"
Is it really? I rmb so much in secondary school wanting happiness, becos I wasn't very happy, in truth just plain miserable, especially at upper secondary level. But somehow, God just brought me through.. Went to VJC, got to know a wonderful grp of friends who really matter to me. :) I think it was the start of my spiritual re-awakening too; met Thong who challenged me to know more about God with his passion and openness about his relationship with God. JC years were good; my interest in God and spiritual things reached a new high. Attended a couple of church camps too, where God really spoke to me about letting go of my past, with all my fears and insecurities, hurts and failures. Broke down and there was so much release of the mass of bad things trapped inside. It was incredible- experiencing God's healing so personally. Met a great grp of people from Brighton Community Church too, who really helped me grow spiritually. Can't wait to be back with them!

Received an email from Cheh a few days ago and she told me how amazed she was at how God has transformed me from the inside out; in a mere couple of years. And how there was a real breakthrough; exponential growth when I left for the UK. Indeed praise the Lord! God has changed me, in so many areas. I'm so thankful that I feel free to be myself- I'm not enslaved by fear or worry all the time. And I'm discovering so many things- Of myself, of the world around me, of God Himself. I've got to thank the numerous people who faithfully pray for me every day. :) Have to thank Cheh especially, she's been there for me and with me right from the start of my spiritual journey, pointing me to the God who loves me more than anyone else in the world. The CU here is excellent too- solid teaching of God's word and very genuine and spiritually mature Christians as friends and leaders. I'm excited to serve with them next year. :)

So in answer to the question: Is happiness the most important thing in life? My personal answer would be no, because happiness never lasts- it simply cannot; that's just the way life is. Life is a package; we must accept its sorrows, setbacks and suffering that inevitably come our way. Knowing God as my Lord and Saviour is the most important thing in life for me. I trust Him, in happiness and misery, good times and bad times.